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Dope to Hope

My name is Jessica Brown. This is my journey from years of addiction, the desperation, the despair, the self destruction, the heartache of loss because of my addiction, and to the place of hope. This is my story. Your's may not be exactly the same, but I can guarantee you, you will relate to some, if not all of my story if you are an addict or have a loved one suffering from addiction. My purpose for writing this is as simple as the name of this blog. I want to prove that like me, you too, can go from dope to hope.

My story begins with me as a child. This where I believe my addictive personality started. I was raised by both of my parents. I have two wonderful parents who never abused drugs. My younger sister and I were always well taken care of physically, emotionally and spiritually. We had rules and structure. I was a little overweight, I was very shy. I wanted to be popular and liked. I so desperately wanted to be liked. I wanted to be skinny, pretty and popular. I would have done anything to fit in. At around 12, I became bulimic. This is where my obsessive and compulsive traits began. Later on when I reached about 16, I no longer was binging and purging food. I had started drinking and doing what I would call "little things" like smoking pot or taking a few pain pills. I felt like by being high, I was more myself. I thought that was the person people liked. I was only getting high or drunk on the weekends. I worked full time at a fast food restaurant in our little town. I was attractive, hard working, and had my own car. Things were going well. I met my ex-husband while working one night. Eventually, I moved out of my parents' house and moved in with him. We lived with his dad. This is where I had my first real taste of pain pills. I felt so good. The euphoria was something I could have never imagined. I felt free. I had energy and I had so much more personality! This was the answer to all my problems. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was oh so wrong. This was the very beginning of all my problems. This was the start of a nightmare. 

As my the year quickly passed, I went from casual pill popping on the weekends to crushing and snorting "small milligram" pain pills. I had kidded myself into thinking I was in control. I could stop whenever I wanted to. I realized how wrong I was when I could not even get up to go to work or even begin my day without having a pain pill. This was also the time when my ex husband and I started taking oxys. I fell even deeper in love with the oxys. They were smaller pills and the high was amazing. I began doing things out of character. I was cheating on my husband and stealing money from my job, where I had become a manager. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was managing and hiding my addiction from everyone. It finally caught up to me when I got caught taking the money. Luckily they did not press charges but I was forced to quit my job. I had broken the hearts' of my co-workers. I had worked there since I was 16 and I was now around 25 years old. My father in law and husband told my parents about my drug use and they were in shock. I had really broken their hearts. My sister, with whom I was so close to at the time, was heart broken as well.

My ex-husband I began treatment at a methadone clinic and did well for a while. I got a job as a receptionist and nurse aid at a local doctors office and became pregnant with my first born child. After he was born, experiencing and seeing his withdrawal from methadone made me want to quit taking my methadone cold turkey. This was not a good idea. I hadn't even began to change the character defects that lead to and escalated during my addiction.

Soon after I quit taking methadone my ex-husband had something wrong with his back. He began getting prescribed pain medicines and nerve medications. We slowly spiraled out of control again. We ended up in a bitter divorce. He would not let me take my son who was 2 at the time to my parents with me. I had cheated on him and hurt him so much I guess he tried to hurt me by taking our son away.

I got involved short after my divorce in a very physically and emotionally abusive relationship. This man and I had a child together. I was using xanax as a way to deal with the abuse along with going back the methadone clinic. Our son was removed because of my nerve pill use and the abusive relationship. After years of being in the abusive relationship and not being able to provide a safe environment for our son, our son was adopted by a very loving couple. I finally left the relationship.

A couple years afterwards, I met the man who is now the father of my two youngest children. He had a history of "hard" drug use. He and I made a great life together and had two beautiful children. We were going to a Suboxone clinic and staying clean. He worked everyday and I stayed home with our children. After about 4 years of being clean, a friend brought methamphetimine to our home. I had never tried it and in the past got angered at the thought of my fiance using. I had never used needles or injected drugs. I soon went from smoking meth to injecting it. We went from drug users to drug dealers. We lost everything we had in a matter of months. Social services took our children and placed them with their paternal grandmother. We just couldn't get off the meth. We both ended going to jail several times. Our going to jail and getting indicted among other circumstances led to our children ending up in foster care.

My road is paved with heartache. It is paved with loss, pain, tears and struggles. I have went through things unimaginable and have done things I never thought I would do. I crossed lines I said I would never cross. I hurt the people who loved me the most. Most of all I hurt myself. I was in self destruction mode.

Thank God my parents joined forces with SATIRA. I have been clean for going on 6 months, I am living a life I thought I only lived in dreams. I am working, going to meetings, I have friends, real friends who care about me and my recovery. I go to NA and AA meetings. I am in the process of doing everything in my power to regain custody of my children. I have learned to pray for God's will and accept it. 

I am a work in progress. My favorite Quote I have learned in recovery is "progress not perfection." I hope you will stay with me on my journey. I will be blogging more in depth about my active addiction, about what I thought, felt and didn't feel. I am hoping my blogs will help other addicts into recovery. I want people to see how wonderfully different my life is now. I want addicts and their loved ones to not give up this fight. Recovery is possible and available to us all. Every addict every where can go from dope to hope. I look forward to sharing my experiences, my strength  and my hope with you all.


-Jess

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